It's Almost Christmas and My Cousin Just Farted

It's almost Christmas again. Last year I made a post about my accusation of Hitler being a gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), this year I will not talk about Hitler and his gayness (again not that there'a anything wrong with gayness), I'm just going to bitch about how much I hate this year. 2011 has been a very shitty year. Why?

1. Jokes are easily killed 
In the past what happened was one person made a pretty funny joke and everybody laugh at it and it lasted long. Nowadays, one person made a joke, 1 minutes later, millions of fucking cunts in Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook made the same joke every fucking second and they basically killed it instantly within couple hours. Want an example? Rebecca fucking Black. It was funny at first but then the joke became very annoying when you know that all your friends think that they are funny by saying over and over and over and over again that the seat that Rebecca Black should have taken is a seat in a car that will hit a gas station and blow up. How about this, you make another Rebecca Black joke and I stab you in the fucking eye?

2. Arctic Monkeys' released their weakest album so far
It fucking pisses me off. I need a good music, I'm so sick of all the stupid autotune and there are basically no good album this year. When I heard that the Monkeys are releasing their new album, I was so excited because I love them so much but then I listened to it and was disappointed. It's not even near their amazing first and second album. 2011 is a shitfucking year for music.

3. The news are boring
There are too many dumb politician getting too much attention from the media. That's it. That's the highlight of 2011's news.

4. Facebook's new Recent Activity toolbar made me deactivated my account
I really don't want to know any detail of what the fuck my friends are doing. Also I'm feeling very uncomfortable with they knowing what the fuck I am doing.

5. Manchester United 1-6 Manchester FUCKING Shitty
The game was held in Old Trafford, More than 60.000 fans were watching and then those cunts in blue sky shirt bombarded the Red Army's net. Some of our fans were leaving the stadium even before the game was ended, which was a very embarrassing thing to see. I was ready to hang myself but then I remember that I haven't fed my rabbit.

6. Nicolas Cage just won't stop making shitty movies
10 years ago, he was a serious actor with serious career and made serious movies with serious audience, nowadays he makes seriously retarded movies that only seriously retarded people can enjoy.

7. Zooey Deschanel is a sell out now
Which is very sad. Everytime a new New Girl episode aired, one hipster commits suicide by stabbing their heart with pencil because using knife is too mainstream.

8. Every Wiz Khallifa's fake account in Twitter
I always hate the bullfuckingshit wisdom from account like IRespectFemale or DamnItsTrue, but Wiz Khallifa's fake accounts in Twitter is something different. It's beyond annoying, it's the ancestor of annoying (this sentence doesn't make any sense at all).

7. My cousin just farted and it stinks. 

A Christmas post is incomplete without Santa Claus' picture, so here's one.

And remember one thing Santa Claus is just as real as my twin sister. I don't have twin sister

Steve Died

I once ate an apple this big, it tasted different and then I realize it was melon. 

I bet you're gonna be like... "aw shit, not about Steve Jobs again. I'm so tired of people praising him and shit." Well, we're sharing a mutual feeling about it that's why I made this post. I'm also tired reading and listening about the news. This is the problem with human and technology. First of all, we as human (unless you're a cat because we know on the internet no one knows you are cat) have this thing called feeling , we are easily affected with other people's feeling. Most of people after they heard about people mourning about the death of Steve, felt the need to do the same thing (even though I doubt that they really know him).

Remember the death of Michael Jackson? yeah, it's probably a bigger news than Steve's (poor Steve), people everywhere were like "I'm tearing apart, my life is ruined, I can't believe this news, my favorite self-crotch grabber is now dead". And the funny thing is that before he died, his career was basically over but look what happened after the media kept whoring out the news about his death? You know it. His career was 'healed' instantly.

Different thing with Steve Jobs, he didn't have anybody suing him for touching their kids (sexually) nor having a fake nose. He wasn't a perfect human being, some brand him as capitalistic cunt and he did abandon his daughter for a while and didn't want to support her. He was just the CEO of Apple. I have one Apple product and it's called iWorm, okay forget the bad joke, I have iPod and I love it. Now same thing happened with Steve's death, people were mourning about how human race have lost a genius, an innovator and a God. No doubt that the man was a great human being, he helped us swoon over overpriced and flashy stuff. But as a genius? there are thousand, if not millions of geniuses out there that have helped us doing whatever we are doing right now. Then why is he being praised so much? there's this thing called advertising and Apple's pretty good at it. First of all, in the world of acting, Microsoft was Tilda Swinton, and Apple was Zooey Deschanel. Tilda Swinton = great actress but boring looking (or maybe scary?). Zooey Deschanel = Not much of an actress (Before you disagree: Fuck you I love 500 Days of Summer too but that movie was not about the acting tbqh imo) but easy on the eyes. So there you go, if you are this one funky human being with amazing personality and fat wallet that loves to bring your gadget everywhere, which one will you choose? Tilda Swinton? Pfffftttt. Even my fish (not really my fish but I'd like to think that it's my fish) would choose Zooey Deschanel and that fish is retarded as fuck (then again, I'm glad it's not my fish). (I'm only talking about Microsoft because basically whenever you heard about Apple, someone will come up and start a discussion about why Microsoft is better and then some touchy hipster will fight back and say about how Apple is better and then before you realize, there were blood everywhere).

Now after Apple is considered as a 'cool' brand, people will start praising Steve as the coolest man because he's (WAS) the head of Apple. So when he died, there were blood everywhere. (GODDAMNIT, WHY DO I KEEP INSERTING STUPID JOKES?). Steve did revolutionize the computer BUT he did not revolutionize how we listen to the music, cellphone or tablet computer, he just made them easier and better looking. Steve Jobs was a great innovator but he was not a God.

Beautiful movies are beautiful

I was gonna make a post about stuff from the 90's that we miss but then I cancelled it because I have a better idea. Let's talk about movie because I haven't talked about movies in a long time. This time I'll talk about beautiful movies that are so easy on the eyes you will fucking love it and wanted to marry it if it were a human. The list is not in order because I'm an asshole who can't make up my mind which one is the most beautiful movie out there.

1. The Color of Pomegranates (1968)

Have you ever felt like you're reading a poem while watching a movie? I have and thanks to this beautiful movie, I felt like I was sitting in my Poetry class again unless this time I could bring a snack in the class and sat like a boss with both legs on the chair.

2. The Fall (2006)

Have you ever watched anything so beautiful, nothing matters anymore and you don't mind somebody stab you and end your life right away? I haven't, but this movie sure makes me don't mind I get punched in the fucking stomach (I'm so skinny, so that's gonna hurt a lot). That shows how much I love this movie. The story is simple and very enjoyable but the cinematography is so beautiful it hurts.

3. Old Man and the Sea (1999)

I'm talking about Alexander Petrov's version. Pause every scene of this movie and it still looks so fucking beautiful. If watching Color of Pomegranates is like reading a poem, watching Petrov's Old Man and the Sea is like watching a moving oil painting. I feel like if I were Highlander, I'd go straight ahead to Russia and steal his ability. (Basically anything made by Petrov is beautiful, the man's a fucking genius).

4. In the Mood for Love (2000)

The reason why it's beautiful? the godmotherfucking music! Holy crowbar... Wong Kar Wai has a great sense of music, Chunking Express and My Blueberry Night also have amazing soundtracks but nothing beats the amazing scores and music in In the Mood for Love. Who would've thought that combining Nat King Cole's music to the love story in 60's China could be this good.

5. Baraka (1992)

9 out of 10 people think that this movie is beautiful, 1 of them said no because he's blind. Try watching this documentary on your newest 42" flat TV and prepare your eyes to get raped by its beautiful cinematography. It's basically all about the cinematography, baby!

Can it get any stupider that this?

I have lots of weird story from my surprisingly not so boring life and I'm gonna tell you one of them because this one actually affect my future life (Holy fuck, that's some serious shit I just said). Back when I was still a freshman in college, I was so creative like I'd put a sign "FOR SALE PLEASE CALL 0812-SUCK-MY-DICK-309" on my friend's window car (well, that SUCK-MY-DICK thing wasn't real, what real was that I gave my other friend's number but I should have written SUCK-MY-DICK cause it's funnier) or surprised my other friend by having her bra and undies duct taped to her room's door and then did it again but this time I gave her double surprises by wrapping her door with newspapers all over and so when she ripped it she could find her bra and undies duct taped to her door again.

Those actions did nothing to harm me because instead of being hated, my friends thought they were funny too (I guess that's what I thought they felt), but this one did. So, I was in a class, I don't really remember I guess it was some kind of culture class or something. The lecturer asked us to make a 12 pages biographical papers about some people and their struggle with their life or whatever. Seriously it was like 5 fucking years ago, you don't expect me to remember what kind of task my lecturer asked, right? RIGHT? Anyway, so I chose my friend whose experience was about how she got discriminated when she was still in high school for being Chinese. So I made the paper with the help of this good friend of mine (and by being helped I mean, she did basically 60% of the writing. *asshole shrug* what can I say I was just so lazy). I submitted the paper to the lecturer and BAM! she liked it and even showed it to the class. By the end of the semester, I thought I could get an A from that paper and like expected by all of you, I got B. Why it affects my future? Because after I got graduated I thought of applying scholarship for Master degree and then I realized that my GPA was only 3,24 and the required minimum GPA for the scholarship was 3,25. There goes my scholarship....

4 years later, my sister who took the same major and university as me, also took that fucking class and still with the same lecturer. And that lecturer showed to the class some of the fine example of how to make a biographical paper and my sister said that one of them was mine. Of course I was questioning, if it was a great paper how come she gave me a B. But then I remember why....... I changed the name of the main character in that paper with the name Panty Liner. Motherfucker.

People that should've been kidnapped by alien a long time ago

I was actually gonna say, people that should've been dead a long time ago but then I decided not to because I'm a wonderfully kind person, so instead I just said; should've been kidnapped by aliens. Beside being kidnapped by aliens is actually pretty phenomenal, that's hell of a way to get remembered by people in your town, heck maybe even in the world. People on the internet might even make a fucking meme about it. Okay, so what am I talking about again? Oh right.. This time we're (No, it's actually me, you're just gonna read my grammatically wrong rant) gonna talk about some people that should've gone a long time ago.

1. Macaulay Culkin
When you first watched Home Alone, you must be thinking like: "This boy is gonna be so good looking and charming, he's gonna have to go to the doctor and add 5 dicks just to handle all the girls that will come to him." But then TA FUCKING DA... I don't know if it's because of the drugs that he's been taken or just because he's actually not aging well. You can still see a little Kevin in him but really, seeing him today just kinda like killing your childhood. It's kinda like when you see some asshole making a porn picture of Doraemon having sex with Shizuka, if you know what I mean.

2. Aaron Carter
Jesus Tittyfucking Christ. What in the fucking world... Aaron used to be the most good looking 13 years old in the whole world, I also don't know what in the world happened to him. It must be also because of the drugs but still, I mean... come on. Way to kill your childhood, seriously. I wish I could have a time machine, I would bring all those teenage girls that used to drool over Aaron and brought them to year 2011. Imagine the lulz. There's prolly gonna be a huge mass suicide occur.

3. Edward Furlong
You know when I first saw Edward, I thought that this kid's gonna be a new Leonardo diCaprio and I was wrong. He's got potential but then again some people aren't that lucky or just fucked up. He used to have this diCaprio and Depp's vibe in him. What we heard about him today is mostly about his reckless behavior and shit.

4. Mickey Rourke
Mickey was so fine, was so fine, he really did blow your mind, right? I blame his decision in taking a career as professional boxer and choosing a wrong doctor. Now Mickey has the face that only a Photoshop could love. What a shame, he could've aged well like Richard Gere or Sean "Your Mom is a whore" Connery.

5. Tatum O'Neal
See, I don't just judge on the face, I also judge on their career. Tatum was so fucking adorable in Paper Moon, like seriously. If Shirley Temple was this cute little girl, Tatum was this hardcore smoke addict and sneaky little cunt. I think I'm gonna blame drugs again here.

6. Dakota Fanning
You must be wondering why the fuck is Dakota on this list? It's a personal thing actually, I admitted that Dakota is an amazing child actress. She can play any role, you name it, she can do it. But I just don't think that she's gonna be able to top her own image and performance as child actress, she peaked at a very young age. When I watched The Runaways and saw that awkward love scene with Kristen Stewart, I kept repeating to myself, "Dakota, please don't grow up, please don't. This isn't real. Fuck". In other news, I actually have a high hope toward the other Fanning, Elle Fanning. Elle is the new Dakota.

Honorary mention: Brad Renfro.

PS. If I ever make a list "You stay the fucking away from this people, you cunty aliens, Don't even think about kidnapping them", diCaprio and Christian Bale will be on the top of the list.

Everybody wake up, I just made a comic!

I actually have made several comics for my friends to enjoy but I'm pretty sure you guys won't find it funny because my friends loved it. They have horrible sense of humor. Well, that's it actually, I just wanna tell the world that new Leonardo daVinci has been born. Cheers, motherfucker.

Feels bad, man

So I watched Manchester United vs Barc game last night. Let me just put it like this:

When Pedro (who?) scored Barc's first goal,


I was like:


But when Rooney scored a goal to make it even:


I was like:


BUT when Messi scored a goal to make it 2-1 for Barc:


I was like:


Finally some asshole player of Barc scored another goal to humiliate United:


I was like;


And then I went back to sleep even before the game's over. Too much pain to handle. Fuck you Barc.

P fucking S. This is my 69th post. I've something dirty going on my mind right now.

Do you know why platypus is called platypus?

I don't. But there's something more important about to happen now. Within 6/7 hours from now there's gonna be a HUGE ASS match between Manchester United vs Barc (I'm not a fan, that's why I will not type their name fully). I'm nervous like crazy right because I just always get nervous everytime a big and important match about to happen. There are several things that make me nervous;

1. Everybody (who's son of a cunt) is saying that Barc is gonna win the match.
Okay, that hurts, asshole. Don't you know it's Manchester motherfucking United that we're talking about not some amateur football club. Barc might just won their La Liga trophy this season, so fucking what? we just won our 19th EPL title too. The only team beside Barc that people really give a shit in La Liga is Real Madrid, while we got ourself tight competition here where we have to face lots of cunts like CUNTshea, ARSEnal and Liverp (I will not type their name fully too because I'm not a fan) and we made it.

2. Barc has Messi
To be quite honest, I never really watch him play. I'm basically biased when it comes to football match, I will not watch anything that doesn't have United in it. But from what I saw in some football highlight every morning (that's right, I now always wake up early in the morning, that's just how amazing my life is now) and I saw that this little fella's got pretty amazing skill in dribbling and making goal. He's dangerous, that's obvious. Ever since that douchebag Ronaldo left United, we basically got no player with that kind of skill. But I keep telling myself not to worry because Messi is still a human, he's not a God, no need to be afraid of him. He eat like we eat, he drink like we drink, he has money while we don't.

3. It's van der Saar's last game
and I'm sad. The man has been my new hero. It's just sad to see him go. He's been a vital player to our success. It's not really nervous, actually more like sad.

4. I'm worrying that I won't be able to wake up when the game's on the TV.
This is why I want to move away from the shit hole country that I'm living at now. I always have to watch every big matches at 2/3 in the morning. That's not cool! Don't you know how sleepy one can be when one must wake up in the middle of the night? BUT, fuck that shit, it's Manchester fucking United, that shit is a minor thing compared to the amazing experience that I'm about to watch later. I'll say let's win this thing, United!



UPDATE:
*sigh*

Knock Knock. Who's there?

It's me Jesus, I'm delivering pizza.


and that's the first post for this May! more unfunny posts will come.

I'm a nice person

Let me tell you why. First, after my last post about me predicting Man United's winning over CUNTshea, I look smart but I never brag about it. Second of all, I didn't insult Chelsea's fan, even though I have the chance, and the third of all, this is why you're gonna love me so very fucking much, I have a canv.as invitation for whoever wants it. That's right, fuckers, I shit you not. I got 2 invitation actually, but I'm saving one for my imaginary friend, and I'm gonna donate the other one for you.

For those who don't know what canv.as is, I don't blame you, it's a closed site where you can't just go check it out, you need an invitation first so you can make an account there. How did I get my invitation? I had to pay it for 80 bucks.. pffft. NO. I visited canv.as everyday like a loser, clicking the asking for invitation button 20 times a day, and I finally got one 2 days ago. Canv.as is like a bastard son of 4chan and reddit. You must be thinking '4chan? ah fuck no, those people are gross'. No need to worry, it's a SFW site, so there'll be no obvious goatse or porn pics. So basically, it's a place where one post a pic and you can remix/edit the pic. Sounds boring? fuck you. It's fun, esp. if you have good sense of humor and you can use Photoshop or Paint.

This is the layout of Canv.as, pretty neat compared to 4chan, right?

See the '2 invites' at the upper right corner? I wasn't lying when I said I have them.

The example of the fun:
negatendo posted this pic


procrastes remixed it into this:


anonymous posted this


Pretty fun, eh? Now, if you want an invite, just give me your email, I'll send it right away. You know you want it. You can inbox me on my facebook.

UPDATE: I got 9 more invites to give to you all. Bless Raptor Jesus.

I don't blog, but when I do....

Nothing happens actually, the sky still shining brightly like a little bitch and the birds still singing their favorite song. I must warn you first, this is gonna be a daily bitching, so it's gonna full of long rant about what just happened in my life.... NOT. Okay, who wants to fucking read that anyway, this is not a diary blog, this is a shitty blog full of miscellaneous things from movie to music, but definitely not a diary blog. Beside I'm not a celebrity who flashes their tits to the camera daily or leak some sex tape monthly, who wants to know the fuck I just did (except my Mom).

Anyway, within couple of hours, there's gonna be a big match between Manchester Fucking Awesome United versus CUNTshea! I predict that it's not gonna be an easy match since CUNTshea is a bitch, it would've been easy if CUNTshea is a whore (get it? from the line: life's a bitch, it'd be easy if it's a whore). The first leg will be played at Stamford Bridge, though United's away record is not something to be proud of, we all still can hope if shit happens in the first leg, we can still fix it at our beloved home, Old Trafford. It's gonna be a tough game since Chelsea will put all their concentration in Champions League, because their chance in winning EPL is, let's say, only 5%. lol.

Those bastards want to win something this season but we won't let them do that. Why we should keep our positive thought? United's Champions League record against Chelsea is pretty awesome (remember the final? Hurrah!), the boys are on fire after their amazing comeback against West Ham, third one is that the pressure is on Chelsea, not us, if we don't win this, we still have a huge chance to win the FA or EPL. Why we should be worry? Like I said before, the game is held at Stamford Bridge, our boys play better at home. But that's 3 positive things against 1 negative shit, so I'll say, we'll fucking win this game. Go Go United! Fuck yeah!



PS. check out this link: Five ways Manchester United can beat Chelsea

South Park's Best Episode from the Season 14

So, I'm making a poll for the first time, and it's for you South Parkateer, what is the best episode from season 14?

I personally will choose It's a Jersey Thing, man that episode cracked the shit out of me.




PS. As you can see, there's an ad on my blog, Google Adsense finally approved my request, please click the ad, you are a very wonderful person, Jesus loves you long time.. (Wow, I've never thought I could be a huge ass kisser like this.)

The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger - an album review

Pretty cool album cover I must say

Guy on the left: I've got an awesome Dad, Girl on the right: My boyfriend's got an awesome Dad

.

After having a very successful review of Little Joy's album (lol..wut? nobody gave any shit about it, dude), I decided to review an album by The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger, a pretty underrated band consists of Sean Lennon, the darling son of John 'King of Hippies' Lennon (don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of John 'King of Hippies' Lennon, I think hippies are cool) and his girlfriend, a supermodel, Charlotte Muhl. So, here's what Wikipedia said about them:

The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger was formed in 2008 by musician Sean Lennon and his girlfriend, musician/model Charlotte Kemp Muhl. The name of the band is from a short story once written by Muhl.[1] Kemp and Lennon met in 2004 at the Coachella Music Festival. In an interview with the UK publication The Daily Telegraph Lennon commented on their relationship: "Charlotte hadn’t even heard "Strawberry Fields Forever" when I met her," Lennon said. "And she knew nothing about my mum. Her parents thought I was just a delinquent, by virtue of association with the famous hippie delinquents. So it was nice because it was like a bridging of gaps and a collision of galaxies."

From the band's name you probably gonna expect a heavy metal kind of shit, but to disappoint you, they are not. The sound of GOASTT's music is like this sweet French folk pop. Though at first it's kinda hard to differ one song with another since they sound almost the same and I guess that's one of the album's weakness. To make it simpler, just imagine you are listening to sweeter album than She and Him's. Still, this is a great album to listen to when you're trying to relax or maybe even when it's raining, cause well you know to get all melancholy shit gets more real. It'll make you mind experiencing a journey to a weird but beautiful surreal place...the fuck am I talking about, anyway, some said that Sean and Charlotte are like John and Paul, but of course not in the same awesome level as John and Paul (duhhh). I sometimes hate but also feel bad for Sean, I meant he lost his Dad when he was a little boy, people keep comparing him and his awesome Dad and expecting him to be as good as his awesome Dad but again when I just start to give him a sympathy, I stop and think again, Motherfucker got a song written by his Dad for him (Beautiful Boy, Darling Sean is my fave song ever), he can play lots of music instruments, AND his Dad's music keep giving him enough money to go have a holiday every fucking day. I just stop feeling bad about him and hate him again.

So, I know you don't want to read crap that I just wrote, you just want to download the album, right? here it is:

click me and make piracy even more powerful

AND, one more thing, you must not confused the name GOASTT with 4chan's GOATSE. Make sure you type and spell it correctly, damn it... (If you don't know what Goatse is, and you have weak stomach, try not to Google it... or Google it, I heard some hospitals are in financial problems, you can help them by getting sick and give them some moolah).

PS. I love John Lennon, have I said that before? fuck it. I'm gonna say it again, I love John Lennon.

Blasphemy! This is madness! Madness? This is I SHIT YOU NOOOTTT! (part 2)

OMFG, I can't believe I actually made the second part. Do you remember the first part? of course you dont. The Part 1 (here) was about the funny pics of Jesus and then now the second part Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm gonna show you funny pics of..... (drum roll please)...still, our mighty Jesus! Hurraahhh!

Jesus, what are boobies?

To Kim Kardashi--uhm, I meant whores! Cheers!

No wonder Dunkin Donuts taste like heaven

Return the baby Jesus, damn it!

Jeebus loves to play hide and seek. lol.

You don't fuck with this Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus, cause He fucks you!